10 things the pope must not do in Kenya..

Photo by AP/Gregorio Borgia

In true African tradition, we are leaving nothing to chance as we prepare to receive Pope Francis in our unholy city of Nairobi.

Governor Evans Kidero’s grass has finally grown into a luxurious carpet, aided in no small part by the dung and urine of herds of urbanised Maasai cattle that routinely crisscross through East Africa’s largest metropolis chewing plastic bags and torn leather shoes.

We have spruced up the roads leading to every place the Holy Pontiff will step. His vestments are ready. This by the way is not to be taken for granted in a country where tailors are notoriously lazy and crooked. If the Holy Father were an ordinary man, and his tailor some guy at Kenyatta Market, he would have arrived here ready to celebrate mass, only to discover that his vestments were sold to Jehovah Wanyonyi a day earlier.

Street families may not have been arrested, smeared with black shoe polish and hidden in a dark hall where the Pope is unlikely to see them as happens when VIPs comes calling. But I can bet the most brazen of pickpockets will toe the line because they know any tomfoolery could land them on a cold, smelly slab at the City Mortuary.

But having said that, following are a couple of things the Holy Father should not do when he is on Kenyan soil:

First, under no circumstances should Pope Francis look at a Catholic Priest and ask, “My son, have you looked at a female worshiper in your church in a manner that the Lord your God would frown upon? Do you have a wife and six children hidden somewhere?”

Second, should the holy man notice signs stuck on lampposts advertising witchdoctors  from Tanzania, he shouldn’t ask questions. We love the Church and believe in God. But in this place, a little insurance never hurt.

Third, I know the Catholic Church holds very strong views on contraceptives. I also know that many Kenyans have two or three children. But if we were to be honest, limiting birth to two kids is hard to achieve through coitus interruptus, which is just about the most useless family planning method ever conceived (pun intended). I wouldn’t be surprised if one or two brothers turned up for the Papal mass with long forgotten condoms hidden in wallets.

Fourth, the Pope is also best advised not to ask Kenyans to show homosexuals compassion. Homosexuality is against African culture and traditions. That is our story and we are sticking to it.

Fifth, those who have been following the Pontiff know he has a thing for poor people. Sorry Holy Father, but the sick and poor are the lest of our problems. They can go to hell for all we care.

Sixth, it is highly unlikely that Pope Francis will be driven past Langata Cemetery. In the event that he does, let him not ask why people are buried on top of each other like criminals in a mass grave. If it does not bother President Uhuru, the Governor of Nairobi, the Cabinet Secretary for Health or the opposition, why should it bother Pope Francis?

Seventh, we are not sure whether Kenya Defense Forces (KDF) personnel are stealing sugar and charcoal in Somalia as some people are claiming. Frankly, we don’t give a hoot. It shouldn’t bother Pope Francis either.

Eighth, there is a possibility that the Holy Father, like the rest of us, has been wondering who truly won the 2008 and 2013 presidential elections. That is one subject he should NOT raise because grown men and women from different tribes, including Catholic Bishops, will start wailing and fighting with crude weapons in his presence.

Ninth, whatever the Pope says, he should not waste his breath talking about love. We thrive on hate here. Luos and Kikuyus would die if they stopped hating each other. Kalenjins and Kikukus are pretending to love each other but we know they hate each other. The hatred between Coast people and upcountry people is mutual. The people of northern Kenya hate “Kenyans” and “Kenyans” hate them back. I mean, even wives and husbands hate each other. That is just the way it is.

Finally, if anyone sees the Pope sitting astride a motorcycle boda boda or chewing mutura, he or she should call the police. Those things kill.

  

Credit tedmalanda